[Dynagroove] My trip to Brazil and lots of other wackness! this is a little bit house related! Did you miss me?

[Cade O Nelson]

Well it is about 8:30 this Saturday morning and I can't sleep.  Even
though I was out till about 4 AM last night.  I know I know you all think
I am crazy!  Well I am but not because of my early rising, I am just loco
in other matters.  I am up so early because my internal clock is out of
whack, 1 hamburger short of a happy meal, a screw or two loose, and any
other witty little saying I could insert here.  For those of you who did
not know or wondered why my loud monkey mouth was very quiet for the last
3.5 weeks it is because I was in Brazil!  I know I know!  This just ups me
even higher on the "Cool" Ladder.  I mean I was cool before but now that I
have been in Brazil I am even cooler!

*Pre-Note:  It is not necessary to read the below notes.  They exist
merely to clarify things.  Feel free to skip over it to avoid unnecessary
gibberish.

*Note: Brazilians do not understand American sarcasm humor.  If they were
to watch and episode of Seinfeld they would be far from impressed and
possibly very confused.  In fact if Brazilians were to watch Seinfeld it
would eventually turn into the end of the world.  You see Brazil is one of
the largest most populated countries in the word.  For those of you who do
not know confusion causes humans to release chemicals undetectable as
odors, called pheromones.  The particular pheromone that confusion
releases is called "Whadafuqizdis."  Now then, "Whadafuqizdis" is harmless
to all of mankind and in fact most life on earth except the duckbill
platypus which is a creature that is already much confused.

*Note: Note: Being already a confused creature a dose of "Whadafuqizdis"
just causes the duckbill platypus to go into an uncontrollable state of
hornyness.  And hornyness my friends is how the duckbill platypus came
into existence!  But that is a whole other story that involves a duck, a
dog, a beaver, a Venezuelan hooker, and a prescription of Viagra.  Maybe
in later life I can tell it to you? Or maybe not!

Now back to the original note: "Whadafuqizdis" like stated above is mostly
harmless (except to the poor confused platypuses) to life on earth.  But
Brazil being as large as it is and the population so very large upon
seeing Seinfeld would create so much "Whadafuqizdis" in such a large
quantity that the earth has never seen before.  The effects of this would
cause the earth to slow down 5 miles an hour or 7.5 kilometers an hour.
This would make almost no difference to us humans or in fact most other
living things on earth since the earth spins about 1037 miles an hour.
Except maybe the duckbill platypus which would be confused by this
slowing.  But this slowing of the earth would allow the (Mostly harmless)
"Whadafuqizdis" to escape and make it's way into the Milky Way.  Now this
is harmless to most life forms except for the life forms on a planet
called Planaputis.  Planaputis is inhabited by strange humanoid creatures
that stand like humans and look mostly human except a duckbill on their
face and a furry tail.  In about 3 million light years the large cloud of
"Whadafuqizdis" would reach the planet Planaputis and the local Planaputs
would be suddenly attacked by sometimes lethal doses of the shits.  You
see the Planaputs are very horny in fact they are so horny that they are
confused.  Already being horny and confused the "Whadafuqizdis" pheromone
will give the same reaction we humans would have to eating 28 chocolate
bars and chasing it down with warm prune juice.  The Planaputs being an
oil rich planet would only see this cloud of "Whadafuqizdis" as a
biological attack.  Kind of similar to starship troupers when those big
bugs would poop those things at earth?  Do you remember that?  Anyway the
Planaputs will be pissed! (or rather shitted?) And they in return will
align  their own pheromone weapon at us and fire.  3 million light years
later we  will be blasted by a dose of "Kalmyoazdwn" which was developed
on  Planaputis to kill the horny cravings of the populous.  What
"Kalmyoazdwn" will do is cause all human life on earth to desire to make
love to  duckbill platypuses.  Being that there is a shortage of
Duckbilled platypuses on earth this would immediately cause wars and
fights for the possession and love of the platypuses.  Nukes and quantum
nukes will fly. Life on earth will come to an end.  As I said before the
Brazilians do not  get American sarcasm.  It is imperative that we keep
anything as sarcastic  as Seinfeld out of the country.  We are on thin ice
already since Southpark and the Simpsons have made it there.


*Note: *Note: *Note:  If you do not think the above paragraph funny or
witty or even amusing in the least then it is very likely you have some
Brazilian lineage. Please put yourself in an airtight suit emediatly to
keep from causing the end of the world.  If you are confused by it then it
is possible you nay  be related to a duckbill platypus.  If you are
feeling strangely attracted  to a duckbill platypus then the revolution
has already begun!


Where was I?  Oh yes I am cool!  I went to Brazil for like 23 days!  You
ask me why I am writing this?  I just wanted to give you guys a heads up
for Brazil and give you some of my thoughts, observations, and coolness
while I was there.

I stayed mostly in Rio (Pronounced He-O) De Janeiro but took a hop down
to Florianopolis for a few days.  Upon arriving I was soon to discover
that Brazilians have no qualms about there bodies.  But this is common
knowledge.  But I say this in all serious "even in brazil the ugly girls
are hot!"  The people there are beautiful and very friendly.  About 40% of
the population speaks English so you can do OK if you can't speak Pork and
Cheese (Portuguese).  No they do not speak Spanish down there so get that
idea out of your head.  Although Spanish does help a lot.

I went out down there and was very disappointed.  Everywhere I went all I
heard was Jay-z, Fidy Cent, J-lo, Emenem, and other crapy Hip Hop (They
call it Hippi Hop).  Yes my friends I was guilty of dancing to "I am still
jenny from the block!"  And other such great classics as "Lick my back, my
pussy and my crack."  I did however hear some house at these big clubs.
Zack hill will be happy to know that his spirit has caught on down here
and shakedown is played a lot.  But that was it up until the end.  At the
end of my trip I was at a Redley (Pronounced headley) surfing attire party
and low and behold the DJ started dropping Thomas Sahs, Scott pace, Joshua
and Jonene.  I immediately befriend this young DJ named Jonas Rocha.
Very nice young lad.

Brazilians are not the great dancers we have been lead to believe.  In
fact they dance much like white people did in the 80's.

*Note:  This is believed to be caused by the band called Flock of Seagulls
most commonly known for there smash hit "And I Ran."  The Flock Of
Seagulls was a band out of England with really stupid hair in the 80s.
There songs hypnotized and made white people believe that their shoes were
glued to the floor so they begin to dance very funny.  One of these white
peoples named Don then found god and became a missionary and traveled down
to Amazon.  Where he single-handed tried to convert the native tribe know
as the "Elektriqboogaloos" to god. He failed.  But he did however
introduce the "Elektriqboogaloos" to the new style dance they natives
called "Dufushonkey."  As the years passed the Amazonian natives
"Elektriqboogaloos" began to assimilate into the modern Brazil thus the
introduction of the dance style known as "Dufushonkey" Little do the
Brazilians know their actual new dance they have been practicing for the
last 8 or so years was started on an island called England 20 years ago.

So they can't dance.  It is rather comical.  I thought Capoeira would be
all over the place but it was not as common asone would think. In fact I
only  saw a few people practicing it.  However if you play some samba
music it  is a whole different ballgame.  The people go nuts!  Then they
start to  shake.  And damn do they have some ASS to shake.

Brazil = land of the beautifully shaped hiney

The people there are very sexual and friendly.  It is not uncommon to see
people making out in public especially after 11:30 at night.  You name it
at the dinner table or waiting for the bus you see it.  In Brazil they
have this mating ritual called "ficando" which means to make out with
someone. Its very common for groups of women to go to clubs or bars etc
and just wait for guys to come up to them and hit on them. Once you talk
for a few min and they like you, you can begin making out (French
kissing). Allot of tourists get confused and think the girl wants to have
sex with you because she French kisses you for like an hour or so. To
"ficar" simply means she likes you and that you will probably have sex
with her if you go out on a few dates.  Male/female relationships are
really different there.

You cannot get good Mexican food, hamburgers, or pizza in Brazil.  The
only thing I can explain is the Mexican food.  The Brazilians do not like
spice. They like everything very sweet.  So when you go get Mexican food
there it just tastes like cheese.  As for the hamburgers and pizza I
cannot explain.  They have great meat down there and the cheese and bread
is good.  But for some reason they cannot make a decent dish.  McDonalds
has the best hamburger down there.  WARNING: Do not eat at "Bob's" burgers
it tastes like rotted donkey ass.  The worst hamburger I ever took a bite
out of.  However their milkshake is very good and tastes more like the
sweey necter of a vergin's navel.

Rio is much like Vegas where as if a girl talk to you she is more then
likely a "working girl."  But the thing that really blows you away is they
are very good looking.  Hookin is a little more accepted in Brazil it is
not embraced but it is accepted.  It is about the equivalent to stripping
here in the states.   There are no strip clubs in Rio just brothels.

Property in Rio is cheap and you can get some great beachfront property
for about 150k.

I got a rash on my butt when I was down there and I had to put this cream
on it. It went away but it sucked fighting the need to itch my butt a lot.
It was heatrash.

Brazilians do not like George Bush.

*Note: Americans do not like George Bush

A lot of people speak English.  I found it strangely erotic that a lot of
Braziladas (Brazilian women) would start their sentences with "I think
maybe that."  For example:  "I think maybe that you and I go to dinner
later tonight?" "I think maybe that my friend and I go to the beach
later." "I think maybe that I come visit you in America?" you must
understand that the Portuguese requires a lot of lip movement and these
women can do this weird kissing type motion in the middle of talking that
makes it so hot.

In the south of Brazil if you are white everyone assumes you are German.
Also there tends to be more blond haired Brazilians down there.

Braces are very popular mostly on women.  They were everywhere and
Dentista's were everywhere.

Taxi drivers will try their hardest to rip you off.  If you say "Poo Haw"
(That is phonetically spelled BTW) it is the equivalent of saying "This is
fucking bullshit!" Helps in a lot of situations.  One time a cabbie tried
to  charge me about $15 dollars more then he quoted me in the beginning.
I said "Poo haw" and gave him the amount originally agreed on.  He said "Poo
haw" back and got out of his car.  Not a smart thing to do when everyone
you are with competes in Jiu Jitsu.  Needless to say he eventually agreed
what we gave him was correct.

We got pulled over and were threatened to have the car impounded.  If you
pay for the police's McDonalds they will not impound your car.

*Note: I believe that McDonalds to the Brazilian police are what Dunkin
Doughnuts are to the American police.

Oi = Hi

In Brazil they do not have hot water heaters instead they have these
things you screw on the showerhead that you then plug into the wall.  When
you turn the water on it heats the water for you and you control the
temperature by how much you turn the water on.  The higher the pressure
the colder the water, the lower the hotter.  These are cool because you
never run out of hot water but sometimes you have a 220-volt socket right
there.  It is not uncommon to get a tingle or a shock while you shower.
The longer your shower the more then likely you are to get shocked.  A
very interesting sensation when you are masturbating.  Kills the mood
rather quickly if I would not say so myself.

*Note:  Cade has no shame.

Brazil is very cheap.  You can rent a nice hotel room out for an entire
month for about $500 and that is right on the beach.

Steam rooms and Saunas are very popular.  Hot tubs are not easily found
and when they are they are not very hot.

Brazilians have cheating on their spouses down to a science.  Motels
everywhere that are very nice and have carports that you can hide your car
in.  When someone is asked if they are happily married and they say
"Yes, But I am still living" that means you are in love and married but
you are still sleeping with other people.  This is rather common.  I
suppose it is about the same amount as the US but just a little more
blatant there.

You get better exchange rates down there at Citibank then you do at
exchange places.  Just use your ATM card.

Snoop Dog is huge

For breakfast Brazilians eat sandwiches.  This was not good for me it was
too heavy.  Brazilians insist they feed you.  This is not good especially
at breakfast.  I was force-fed a Ham and Cheese sandwich which was not to
my liking but I ate it to make my hostess happy.   This ruined the rest of
my day.  I mean who wakes up and says "I want a ham and cheese w/ tomato
right now!?"

Brazilians are crazy about counter strike the videogame every mall has a
"Lan Cafe" which provides you for a couple Reals an hours w/ a computer
running Counter Strike.

In Brazil there is no need for porn just go to the beach or a club.

I wore a Sunga.  This is almost a Speedo but not quite.  I you pay me $4 I
will show you the pic.  Or if you wanna trade that works too.

*Note:  Cade still does not have any shame.

I am sure there is plenty more I am forgetting but in my state of jetlag
and lack of sleep I will wind it up.  Feel free to contact me with any
questions and other gibberish.

Obregoto!  (this means thank you)

Cade (Brazilians say it Kagee)