[Dynagroove] 10 things you should know about DJS

[aaron at tohzt.com]

10. Condoms required when hooking up with a DJ. Yes, it's true. He's kind
of scruffy, totally absorbed in music, and hasn't talked to a girl all
night. You've watched him for 3 hours. You're 10 times better looking than
him, but he's the one making the whole room dance. You pick him up,
thinking you're the first hottie this guy has ever gone home with. Well,
you're wrong. He hasn't talked to anyone there because he's busy. And why
bother, when hotties just like you come and jump into the boat on their
own? That DJ you're about to pick up has had sex after every gig for the
last 5 years. With girls just as hot as you. To quote my friend Spaceman
"They shouldn't be called DJs. They should be called DVs- Disease
Vectors."

9. It's a DJ Booth. Not a place to rest your drink. I mean, come on! The
turntables are 500 bucks a pop, that mixer costs a grand. The amplifier is
about $1,100 bucks, and you're casually going to set your pina colada on
the table? In front of 500 dancers? Use your brain, people. It's your
party too! What do you think happens when all that gear shorts out? Thats
right. Party over. Finish your drink, and throw it away properly.

8. That song the DJ is playing cost ten bucks. Each song a DJ plays
usually costs anywhere from 8 to 15 dollars. Many of my best tracks I
bought and had shipped from London, for about 18 dollars a pop. So when
you see me roll into a party with a case that holds 100 records, I'm
tugging about $1,500 dollars worth of tunes for your listening pleasure.

7. If you must corrupt a DJ with toxins, do it after his set, not before.
If you get the DJ high before his set, you're on your own. Remember he's
the captain of the ship, and if he's too stoned, his set will sound like
tennis shoes in the drier, instead of dance music. Thunk thunk, pause,
Bump, thunk thunk pause, bump, thunk thunk thunk pause pause,
screeeeetch... You get the picture. One time I watched a DJ playing for 20
minutes, listening to his headphones and everything, nodding his head -
before he noticed that his headphones werent even plugged in.

6. The DJ is not your personal jukebox. Nor would you want him to be.
Would you go to your surgeon, while he's giving you stitches in the face,
and go ,"Hey, do you have number 3 sinew instead of number 6? I sure love
that number 3 sinew." No. Why? Because a surgeon knows what he's doing. So
does the DJ. If you're able to get out of your "programmed by clear
channel" force-fed crap music, and just LISTEN to what the DJ is blending,
building, and releasing, you'll be in for a great night of new music that
you've never heard, presented lovingly for you. If you go up and request a
song that you've already heard, you've completely missed the point. Let
the music change you. Don't change the music.

5. When you call your DJ friend one hour before the gig and ask to be put
on a list, you're a jerk. No. Really. He loves you, you're his best
friend, and yes, you DID run back into the dorm room in college when it
was burning and dragged him to safety. But you're still a jerk for calling
an hour before the gig. Why? Because guestlists need to be turned in at
least a day early, so they can be organized, alphabetized, printed out,
and brought to the gig. By the time you're calling, the list is done,
turned in, and already at the door. How do you expect your DJ friend to
get you on the list now? By going back in time with your last-minute name?
No. Here's how he gets you on the list. He calls up the promoter, who is
now annoyed, and begs the guy to hand write your name at the bottom. Then
the promoter has his girlfriend stop decorating, and takes the phone to
get your friend's name. Then she stops the sound guy, to borrow a pen, to
write your lame ass name down. Now, all of these people are preparing for
the gig an hour beforehand. The last thing any of them needs to be doing
is menial crap like that. Leave the DJ alone to practice, pay the 20 bucks
to get in, and support the system.

4.If you're at an illegal warehouse party, always watch the DJ closely.
Why is that? Because a DJ's record boxes cost thousands of dollars (see
number 6) and when the cops roll in, the DJ is the first person to see
them. Your back is usually to the door. The DJ faces you, and the
entrance. So when you see a DJ hastily grab his record box and run for it,
you know to follow him so you don't get arrested. The last time I was at a
Do Labs Party, I suddenly noticed a commotion near the front door. I
grabbed my girl and headed for the side door. Sure enough, there were a
line of 12 cops and about 20 firemen outside the party, just about to roll
in and bust the place. We were the last ones out before the hammer fell.

3. The DJ is not an information booth.
The DJ is there to play music. And to do that properly, he needs his ears
and his concentration, not your questions. "Wheres the bathroom?" "Have
you seen Jimmy the promoter?" " Can I put my jacket and purse behind the
booth?"I'll tell you the one question you are always allowed to ask a DJ.
Are you ready? Here it is. "Hey, do you need a drink?"

2. If you're dating a DJ, the day of the week tells you how important you
are. Thats right. One of my fellow DJs even goes so far as to put the day
of the week next to the girl's name in his cell phone. Veronica is the
girl he calls on Mondays, Cindy is Tuesday, Janice is wendsday, and so on.
The other day he tells me "I just lost my Thursday. So, I'm looking for a
hot girl here to be my new Thursday." It's a good system for him- only
problem is, of course, it caps out at a mere seven women

1. What do DJs think about when playing music? In no particular order,
here are the things DJs think about while spinning.

"That Bitch better not be cheating on me in the other room"  *(!!!!!!!!!!)
"Don't let that drunk bitch get near my turntables?"
"Jesus thats a big crotch."
"When's the next dj coming, i need to hook up"
"Where's my new drink?"
"Shoot. Which one was my Vodka Tonic (models drink too)..."
"Ugh - I have to pee SO BAD"
"God i hate that bitch (waives)"



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