[Groop]NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
Thu, 16 Nov 2000 21:55:20 -0800
Okey Dokey (an old AMERICAN expression) I couldn't let this go without a
completely incoherent, and therefore thoroughly American response:
Rather than showing that our independence should be revoked, the current
presidential impasse shows that we are independent enough to get along
without a president! ("We don't need no stinkin' president") And it shows
our communal wisdom in not wanting either of the two possibilities to be
president any sooner than is absolutely necessary!
Furthermore, we would never submit to the leadership of a British woman who
wears such outrageous hats (although we might have considered Joan Collins
20 years ago.) And although Tony Blair's accent is not as bad as Trent
Lott's, I still can't see us taking seriously a guy who sounds like an
escapee from the cast of Mary Poppins. As for English, there are more of us
than there are of you and so in the great American tradition of majority
rules (except in the occasional presidential election) you are out voted and
our version of English rules. And yuse bedda not mess wit us about it, as
my New York friends would say, or, as my southern friends would say, we will
whup up sida da head!
As to sports, I think you should go right up to the defensive line and
linebackers of any NFL team-or to any high school in Texas for that matter,
and tell them to their faces that they don't play football. That would be
entertaining. Look, we like our pumped-up-on-steroids-head-case behemoths
running around trying to dislocate each others jock straps. We find them
more entertaining than the juiced-up-on-amphetamines-head-case male soccer
players. And when we do get excited about soccer, we have the goods sense
to watch women play it, some of whom take their tops off without us even
having to ask!
I do like the idea of declaring war on France and Quebec. I guess I can't
blame them for speaking a language that has a built-in snotty tone, but
you'd think they could show a little gratitude for us bailing them out of
two world wars. Their problem is they peaked out as a world power about 500
years ago and as a cultural center 200 years ago, and they just can't stand
it!!! And if we included Quebec, we could make Celine Dion a prisoner of
war. A Diva should be big-nosed pushy multi-talented Jewish woman from New
York or a black woman from the south with a strong gospel background and a
range of musical emotion that just won't quit, not some twinky french chick
who moves like a Disney robot and married a man three times her age with
apparent pedophilic tendencies.
But I digress.
Just remember, as Bill Murray said in Stripes, our ancestors were kicked out
of every respectable country in the world. We are everybody's wretched
refuse come washing up on our teaming shore and since then we have kicked
ass!!! (sometimes our own) And no doubt someday we will not be the 500lb.
economic gorilla on the block and, well, as long as the new one isn't
France, I'm sure we'll deal with it the way everyone else does. (We'll
whine and moan and gnash teeth and rend garments. If it's France, we'll
just kill ourselves.)
So stick that in your tea & crumpets and smoke it! (but don't inhale)
Take care -Gary G. (unabashed nationalist and immigrant from Zoltron-where
we atomize our wretched refuse)
PS The JFK comment got me thinking. It happened 37 years ago and you said
you have been waiting for the answer for 40 years. Hmmm. I smell a new
----- Original Message -----
From: "Volker 'V.A.G' Greimann" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
To: <email@example.com>; <firstname.lastname@example.org>;
<email@example.com>; <firstname.lastname@example.org>; <email@example.com>
Sent: Wednesday, November 15, 2000 3:02 PM
Subject: [Groop]NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
> > To the citizens of the United States of America, In the
> > light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and
> > thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
> > revocation of your independence, effective today.
> > Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
> > monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and
> > other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
> > Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for
> > the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware
> > that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
> > minister for America without the need for further
> > elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
> > questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine
> > whether any of you noticed.
> > To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
> > the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
> > 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
> > Dictionary.
> > Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation
> > guide. You will be amazed at just how incorrectly you
> > have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
> > your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
> > "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words
> > interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
> > know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
> > communication. Look up "interspersed".
> > 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
> > Microsoft know on your behalf.
> > 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
> > Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
> > 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
> > actors as the good guys.
> > 5. You should relearn your original national
> > anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully
> > carrying out task 1. We would not want you
> > to get confused and give up half way through.
> > 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is
> > only one kind of football. What you refer to as
> > American "football" is not a very good game. The
> > 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
> > outside your borders may have noticed that no one else
> > plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed
> > to play it, and should instead play proper football.
> > Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It
> > is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in
> > time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
> > American "football", but does not involve stopping for a
> > rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
> > body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get
> > together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
> > 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using
> > nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The
> > 98.85% of you who were not aware that there
> > is a world outside your borders should count yourselves
> > lucky. The Russians have never been the bad
> > guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
> > 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th
> > will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will
> > be called "Indecisive Day".
> > 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
> > and it is for your own good.
> > 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
> > bonkers for almost forty years.
> > Thank you for your cooperation.
> Groop maillist - Groop@groo.com