[Groop]OFF TOPIC POLITICAL CRAP: Reply from the colonies
Chad M. Riden
TheGuyInChargeOfDoingStuffOrSomething@chadmriden.com
Sun, 19 Nov 2000 01:53:49 -0600
(groo!)
Denise on alt.fan.letterman wrote this, I believe:
From: "Bluejayz" <bluejayz@aol.com>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.letterman
> > >NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
> > >To the citizens of the United States of America,
> > >
>
> {{Reply from the colonies}}
>
>
> To the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland,
>
> We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting
> for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As
> always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world
> power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum! However,
> we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other
> hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for
> the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no
> real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our
> tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that
> switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the
> majority of the world.
>
> To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled
a
> series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
>
> 1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't
> always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your
> "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name
> "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the
> name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other
> elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the
original
> spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the
> aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of
> actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman
> (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford
> English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over
> 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy
> American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.
>
> 2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll
> talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
>
> 3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85
> =
> 2.15)
>
> 4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies.
> Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock,
> and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty".
> We've
> also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a
> year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing
> pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.
>
> 5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title
> whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem
has
> an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania
> ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The
> Wind" again for you guys.
>
> 6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in:
> United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer
> Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing
> at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament
> without
> having your fans start an international incident.
>
> 7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar
> chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best
> food
> in
> your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary
arts
> are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally
> realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to
cook.
>
> 8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error
is
> that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is
pricing,
> it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a
> car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and
> Aston
> Martins. That's why we bought the companies.
>
> 9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
>
> Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian
> soap operas.
>
> p.s. - regarding WW2: You're Welcome.
>
> *Denise*
>
>