[Groop]OFF TOPIC POLITICAL CRAP: Reply from the colonies

Chad M. Riden TheGuyInChargeOfDoingStuffOrSomething@chadmriden.com
Sun, 19 Nov 2000 01:53:49 -0600

Denise on alt.fan.letterman wrote this, I believe:

From: "Bluejayz" <bluejayz@aol.com>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.letterman

> > >To the citizens of the United States of America,
> > >

> {{Reply from the colonies}}
> To the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland,
> We welcome your concern about our electoral process.  It must be exciting
> for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance.  As
> always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world
> power.  The sun never sets on the British Empire!  Right-o chum! However,
> we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention.  On the other
> hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for
> the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no
> real power).  After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our
> tradition as the longest running democratic republic.  It seems that
> switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the
> majority of the world.
> To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled
> series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
> 1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't
> always correct in your pronunciation or spelling.  Let's use your
> "aluminium" example.  Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name
> "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal.  However, in common usage the
> name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other
> elements.  In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the
> spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the
> aluminum industry.  We'd also like to point out that the process of
> actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman
> (not an Englishman).  However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford
> English Dictionary.  It's an interesting collection, considering that over
> 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy
> American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.
> 2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll
> talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
> 3. Review your basic arithmetic.  (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85
> =
> 2.15)
> 4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies.
> Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture.  We liked "Lock, Stock,
> and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty".
> We've
> also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot".  But one good movie a
> year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse.  However, you're doing
> pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.
> 5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title
> whenever your monarch dies.  Let's not forget that your national anthem
> an extremely boring tune.  We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania
> ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The
> Wind" again for you guys.
> 6. Improve at your national sport.  Football?  Soccer?  This just in:
> United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer
> Olympics. United Kingdom?  Not even close.  By the way, impressive showing
> at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament
> without
> having your fans start an international incident.
> 7. Learn how to cook.  England has some top notch candy.  Salt 'n' Vinegar
> chips are quite yummy.  However, there's a reason why the best
> food
> in
> your country is Indian or Chinese.  Your contributions to the culinary
> are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick.  Perhaps when you finally
> realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to
> 8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars.  The obvious error
> that you drive on the wrong side of the road.  A second problem is
> it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a
> car in England.  On the other hand, we like Jaguars and
> Aston
> Martins. That's why we bought the companies.
> 9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
> Thank you for your time.  You can now return to watching bad Australian
> soap operas.
> p.s. - regarding WW2: You're Welcome.
> *Denise*