[Groop] I'm disappointed Groop

[Finn Smith]

Groop:
I used to like cheese dip until I read this.


Mendicant cheese-dip tasting finn

>From: Larry Steller <mrgrooism at yahoo.com>
>To: Groop <groop at groo.com>
>Subject: Re: [Groop] I'm disappointed Groop
>Date: Mon, 9 Feb 2004 18:33:18 -0800 (PST)
>
>--- Chad Riden <chad at chadriden.com> wrote:
> > > The latest trends in wine tasting? 
> >
> > The three steps in wine tasting are: Look, Smell,
> > and Taste...
>
>
>All very well and good, Chad my lad, but what this
>Groop really needs is...
>
>
>
>The latest trends in cheese dip tasting?
>
>The four steps in cheese dip tasting are: Look, Smell,
>Taste, and Retch.
>
>Look
>
>You can tell much about a cheese dip simply by
>studying its appearance. The cheese dip should be
>glopped into a clear glass and held in front of a
>solid background (a tablecloth or pile of mulch will
>serve nicely) so that you can examine the colour while
>contemplating the “correct” spelling of the word
>color.
>
>The colour of cheese dip varies tremendously, even
>within the same type of cheese dip. For example, white
>cheese dips are not actually white; they range from
>puke green to sickly yellow to (edited for eric)
>brown. More colour in a white cheese dip usually
>indicates more rot and age, although a brown cheese
>dip may have gone from bad to worse. Whereas nothing
>improves any red cheese dips, anything ruins most
>white cheese dips. Red cheese dips are not just red,
>they’re putrid; they range from a scabby red to an
>oozing brown red, usually becoming lighter in colour
>as they putrify.
>
>Rim colour: You can guess the age of a cheese dip by
>observing its "rim." Tilt the glass slightly and look
>at the edge of the cheese dip. A purple tint may
>indicate living organisms while orange to brown
>indicates a thriving, metropolitan culture.
>
>Swirling: Swirling the cheese dip serves many
>purposes, but usually it allows you to exercise your
>wrist. "Good legs" may keep you from keeling over at
>this point.
>
>Smell
>
>Swirl your cheese dip, then run. This releases
>molecules in the cheese dip allowing you to smell the
>aroma, so it’s best to sprint for breathing room
>posthaste. The two main techniques that cheese dip
>tasters use are:
>
>1.) Take a quick whiff and retch.
>
>2.) Take one deep whiff and wake up in intensive care.
>
>Either way, after you smell the cheese dip, kiss your
>sinuses goodbye. Don't try to "taste" the cheese dip
>yet, unless you particularly enjoy projectile
>vomiting.
>
>It may be difficult to describe in words when you're a
>novice, but after trying many cheese dips you will
>notice people avoid you in almost all social settings.
>Sometimes a certain smell will be enough to announce
>your presence from a distance. Take your time. By
>strolling into a crowd you will probably be remembered
>much better. You may even want to keep a notebook of
>your impressions of cheese dips, and save the labels;
>this can be handy in times of litigation, and the next
>time you see the cheese dip you can run like hell!
>
>Taste
>
>The most important quality of a cheese dip is its
>balance between foulness and acidity. To get the full
>taste of a cheese dip follow the following three
>steps:
>
>1.  Initial taste (or first impression): This is where
>the cheese dip assaults your senses (your taste buds
>respond to this sensation by trying to leap through
>the roof of your mouth).
>2.  Taste: Slosh the cheese dip around and draw in
>plenty of air in heaving gulps (even if you do look
>funny in front of your dinner guests). Examine the
>body and texture of the cheese dip. Is it acrid or
>rotten?  Harsh, harsher or harshest?
>3.  Aftertaste: The unpleasant taste that remains in
>your mouth after you have swallowed the cheese dip.
>How long did the taste last? Weeks? Months? Years?
>
>After tasting the cheese dip and recuperating, take a
>moment to value the surprising fact that you somehow
>survived. Is the taste appropriate for this type of
>bodily opening? If the cheese dip is very rancid, are
>you supposed to be conscious?
>
>Some serious cheese dip connoisseurs (called
>“mendicants”) assign a point score to a cheese dip to
>determine its quality. This method is not particularly
>useful, as it is pointless to try to determine a
>“quality” cheese dip. The more different cheese dips
>you try, and the more attention you pay to each cheese
>dip, the crazier you will become.
>
>Retch
>
>Now that you’ve Looked, Smelled and (unwisely) Tasted,
>the only thing left to do is to heave to. Empty your
>stomach in long, wallowing series of retches.
>Technique? Believe me, this step is as involuntary as
>it is necessary, so just do what comes naturally!
>
>
>=====
>-------------------------------
>-Larry "Mr. Grooism" Steller, Mendicant Second Class
>
>"There I was one night, just a normal guy; and then there I was the next 
>night... goddamn I was still just a normal guy!" -Bruce Springsteen
>
>Mr. Grooism's Blog: http://mrgrooism.diaryland.com
>
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>
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>
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