[Groop] Intense debate - NOT political, I promise (Tone)

[Porter]

Up in Vermont, where I was raised, native Vermonters are, in fact,  
known as Woodchucks.  We also had an answer to the question: "A  
woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could chuck, if a woodchuck  
could chuck wood."  Probably pretty similar to the answer other places  
have.

But this answer never really satisfied people up there so we figured,  
being Woodchucks ourselves, we might be best posed to figure it out  
once and for all.  We posed this question to towns throughout the  
state in an effort to find out exactly how much wood a Woodchuck would  
or could chuck.  We held a competition to find out which woodchuck  
could chuck the MOST wood (it was a three-way tie between Chuck,  
Lowell and Hiram. Boy can they chuck wood).  But obviously the  
question doesn't ask anything about the BEST, or strongest or most  
determined woodchuck. So we took the total amount of wood that was  
chucked and averaged it out between all the woodchucks who had chucked  
it and... discovered a major flaw in the equation.

The only usable measurement of wood is in cords (4'x4'x8').  The  
inherent problem with this is that it is a woefully imprecise  
measurement for such a varied medium.  If all wood were flat and  
square and uniform, it wouldn't be a problem.  But alas, that is not  
the case.  Furthermore, at no point has anyone ever determined the  
species of would that is supposed to be chucked (maple, pine, ash,  
ebony, etc.) nor the state of the wood (green, dry, rotted, etc.), all  
of which would affect the density and durability of the wood and  
therefore affect ease of chucking.

Another problem was that the Woodchucks only chucked for one day from  
10-4, not including lunch and breaks for apple cider or to pick out  
splinters, etc.  We didn't realize that the amount of wood in question  
might not be constrained to a specific timeframe - one hour, day,  
week, lifetime?

Therefore, with so many factors to throw us off track, it was  
determined that a new measurement be created to take all this into  
account and serve as final word in the matter from here on:

The "woodchuck".  It is defined thus: a variable amount of wood a  
woodchuck is willing or able to chuck.

In other words...
Q: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck  
wood?
A: A woodchuck would and could chuck a woodchuck.

  ~ Porter.