[Dynagroove] Why 99% of All DJs SUCK!

[DowntempoJazz at aol.com]

Ever wonder why you often feel so unfulfilled after a night out at a club? Do 
you find yourself getting home before midnight more and more often? Have you 
noticed that the majority of DJs leave you feeling empty? Or worse, you're 
not even conscious of them while you're at the club! The following may shed 
some light on why so few DJs reach that international status, while the 
overwhelming majority of them just plain suck.

· OVER-ZEALOUS MIXING PART I: PLAY THE DAMN CHOON!
Most DJs don't respect the records they're playing. They mix out of a song at 
the first instrumental break. This is a sure sign he/she's an amateur. A good 
DJ knows that the breaks and the pauses in a song are as much a part of the 
journey through the music as the vocals and peaks. I had a DJ once tell me he 
feels he has to do his mix after the first break, roughly three minutes into 
the track, because he starts to feel bored at that point.
Listen, if you're feeling bored after only three minutes of a song, you're 
playing the WRONG FUCKING SONG! A good record should make you feel as though 
you never want it to end! And if you've heard any international caliber DJs, 
you know they'll "work" songs, sometimes for up to half an hour. How would 
you feel if you were the artist or producer, and you toiled really hard and 
long on a record you're proud of, only to hear it callously edited by some 
half-assed, runny nosed, over-zealous, mix-happy kid DJ?

· OVER-ZEALOUS MIXING PART II: ON BEAT? SO WHAT!
Okay so you can mix seamlessly. Good for you. Go have a Mentos! Most DJs 
think this is all it takes to make a good DJ. Now, ask yourself, are you 
conscious of WHERE you're doing your mix? Do you realize how shitty it is to 
hear vocals on top of vocals? Do you have any idea how jarring it is to be on 
the dancefloor, trying to lose yourself in the music, and be constantly 
JOLTED back into reality by some DJ who's doing a "perfect" beat mix with a
thousand instruments from each record clashing? Are you conscious of what key 
each record is in? I can't tell you how many times I've heard a DJ, usually 
one who's just loving himself in the booth, mix two records seamlessly that 
aren't in the same key. Basslines on top of basslines, chords on top of 
chords. It doesn't matter that the beats are on point. It sounds like shit. 
Don't you listen to your records first? Like, what the fuck?!

A good DJ's set is like a journey; a driving trip through the country, where 
you don't know what the destination will be but you're loving the ride. With 
each turn or bend in the road, you're supposed to be surprised at how you 
ended up in that great place. A shit DJ will take the bumpiest roads, not 
letting you soak in the scenery while at the same time confusing you with too 
many things to "look at" at once. If you're DJing, and you're so anxious that 
you can't wait until the drum break at the final moments of the song to do 
your mix? Fuck you then.

· MISPLACED EGOS.
Many shitty DJs are too busy drawing attention to themselves either by their 
above-mentioned, over-zealous mixing, or by their antics in the booth. A 
truly GREAT DJ always draws the attention to the great music they're 
playing... and in turn, this draws the crowd's attention back to the DJ and 
how great he/she really is. Of course there are exceptions to this rule.
Hip-hop DJs,  and turntablists. These are DJs who've made a name for 
themselves by putting on a show. And there's nothing wrong with creatively 
sampling sounds, acapellas, beats and such over other music as a means to 
narate your "story". But a truly good DJ always understands that a good 
record is what makes them shine to the people on the dancefloor, and like my 
previous points, there's nothing worse than hearing a song - a song that took 
effort and time to make - be butchered by some dreck who thinks he's more 
important than all the talent that went into making the music he's playing. 
It's like this: if you're a DJ who thinks you're more important than the 
person who made the record you're playing, you're most likely a DJ with a 
misplaced ego, or... you're playing a REALLY crappy record.

On the other hand, a good DJ has to have a big enough ego to think he/she is 
smarter and wiser than the people on the dancefloor. Don't confuse this with 
arrogance. It's not. It's an almost maternal instinct. It's the confidence to 
take care of the people you are playing to. You need to think you're smarter 
than everyone listening to you but only cuz you care about them...and you 
want them to suckle on the breast that is your great taste in music. Don't 
laugh or roll your eyes! Like the mamma bird feeding her open-beaked chicks, 
a good DJ feeds the hungry dancefloor chicks.

· NO EMOTION PART I: SELECTION.
Too many DJs don't truly love the music they play. They're too caught up in 
trying to appease the other DJs in the room, the club owner (find me a club 
owner that has taste in music!), the promoter, or their own misguided sense 
of what's cool, and not concentrating on playing music they honestly have an 
emotional connection to. In fact, scratch "concentrating" from that sentence. 
This is something you shouldn't have to think about. There is that all 
important middle ground a DJ must find when trying to do a good job pleasing 
everyone, but at no time should a DJ play records that he/she doesn't really 
"feel".
That logic should also transcend into programming (remember that word? A lot 
of DJs don't even know about it!). The selection, and the order in which each 
song is played should also involve feeling. A good DJ plays with the emotions 
of his crowd and knows when to create drama. A good DJ knows that intensity 
is only really felt against the contrast of serenity. Shit DJs, in fact most 
DJs, keep you at one level the entire time. There'sothing worse than a night 
of peaks with no valleys. If you don't understand this point... you're part 
of the problem.

· NO EMOTION PART II: THE PEOPLE
Truly good DJs love the people on the dancefloor. They have an emotional 
connection to the communal experience they are creating. If a DJ loves 
his/her crowd, that crowd will most definitely know it. They'll feel it in 
the way the music caresses, arouses, and in some cases, makes mad, 
passionate, raunchy love to them. I could carry this metaphor to its extreme, 
but I'm sure you could on your own. This is a simple fact. No need to 
elaborate, so I'll move on.

· DJ PENIS ENVY
The majority of bad DJs have small penises. It's a proven fact. Why else 
would they want to be DJs anyway? The DJ booth, like sports cars, guns, and 
movies about men in submarines, is just a big phallic symbol. DJs are all 
insecure on some level. Because of that, they're unnecessarily competitive 
with all the other DJs they know. This is evident in the DJ who is more 
pre-occupied with playing test-pressings and acetates than making the crowd 
rock. Too many DJs(now I'm going to use that word again that most DJs don't 
even know) program their music based on trying to impress the other DJs in 
the club. This is why you often have situations where the crowd on the 
dancefloor looks like they're attending a wake, while the DJ stupidly spins 
brand new promo after brand new promo... test pressing after dub plate after 
acetate. The other DJs and trainspotters around the perimeter of the club 
(not dancing of course) are all loving it, going on about how they're hearing 
all kinds of unreleased music. Meanwhile the crowd is dying a slow death. 
Just because a record is new, doesn't mean it's good! Let's just peel the 
Band-Aid off real slow, one hair at a time, shall we? Often, these DJs are 
the same skunts that bring way too many records to a gig, as if to show off 
all the records they own, that the other DJs in the room don't have. If 
you're one of these DJs you probably also email your playlist to half the 
world too...and... well,you have a small dick! Again I say: FUCK YOU. 
-t.b.