[Groop] Alot of time....

J Brooks jabrooks at hotmail.com
Tue Feb 10 07:31:57 PST 2004


Larry, you have waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time on your hands.
J

Date: Mon, 9 Feb 2004 18:33:18 -0800 (PST)
From: Larry Steller <mrgrooism at yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: [Groop] I'm disappointed Groop
To: Groop <groop at groo.com>
Message-ID: <20040210023318.63440.qmail at web40708.mail.yahoo.com>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii

--- Chad Riden <chad at chadriden.com> wrote:
> > The latest trends in wine tasting?
>
>The three steps in wine tasting are: Look, Smell,
>and Taste...


All very well and good, Chad my lad, but what this
Groop really needs is...



The latest trends in cheese dip tasting?

The four steps in cheese dip tasting are: Look, Smell,
Taste, and Retch.

Look

You can tell much about a cheese dip simply by
studying its appearance. The cheese dip should be
glopped into a clear glass and held in front of a
solid background (a tablecloth or pile of mulch will
serve nicely) so that you can examine the colour while
contemplating the “correct” spelling of the word
color.

The colour of cheese dip varies tremendously, even
within the same type of cheese dip. For example, white
cheese dips are not actually white; they range from
puke green to sickly yellow to (edited for eric)
brown. More colour in a white cheese dip usually
indicates more rot and age, although a brown cheese
dip may have gone from bad to worse. Whereas nothing
improves any red cheese dips, anything ruins most
white cheese dips. Red cheese dips are not just red,
they’re putrid; they range from a scabby red to an
oozing brown red, usually becoming lighter in colour
as they putrify.

Rim colour: You can guess the age of a cheese dip by
observing its "rim." Tilt the glass slightly and look
at the edge of the cheese dip. A purple tint may
indicate living organisms while orange to brown
indicates a thriving, metropolitan culture.

Swirling: Swirling the cheese dip serves many
purposes, but usually it allows you to exercise your
wrist. "Good legs" may keep you from keeling over at
this point.

Smell

Swirl your cheese dip, then run. This releases
molecules in the cheese dip allowing you to smell the
aroma, so it’s best to sprint for breathing room
posthaste. The two main techniques that cheese dip
tasters use are:

1.) Take a quick whiff and retch.

2.) Take one deep whiff and wake up in intensive care.

Either way, after you smell the cheese dip, kiss your
sinuses goodbye. Don't try to "taste" the cheese dip
yet, unless you particularly enjoy projectile
vomiting.

It may be difficult to describe in words when you're a
novice, but after trying many cheese dips you will
notice people avoid you in almost all social settings.
Sometimes a certain smell will be enough to announce
your presence from a distance. Take your time. By
strolling into a crowd you will probably be remembered
much better. You may even want to keep a notebook of
your impressions of cheese dips, and save the labels;
this can be handy in times of litigation, and the next
time you see the cheese dip you can run like hell!

Taste

The most important quality of a cheese dip is its
balance between foulness and acidity. To get the full
taste of a cheese dip follow the following three
steps:

1.  Initial taste (or first impression): This is where
the cheese dip assaults your senses (your taste buds
respond to this sensation by trying to leap through
the roof of your mouth).
2.  Taste: Slosh the cheese dip around and draw in
plenty of air in heaving gulps (even if you do look
funny in front of your dinner guests). Examine the
body and texture of the cheese dip. Is it acrid or
rotten?  Harsh, harsher or harshest?
3.  Aftertaste: The unpleasant taste that remains in
your mouth after you have swallowed the cheese dip.
How long did the taste last? Weeks? Months? Years?

After tasting the cheese dip and recuperating, take a
moment to value the surprising fact that you somehow
survived. Is the taste appropriate for this type of
bodily opening? If the cheese dip is very rancid, are
you supposed to be conscious?

Some serious cheese dip connoisseurs (called
“mendicants”) assign a point score to a cheese dip to
determine its quality. This method is not particularly
useful, as it is pointless to try to determine a
“quality” cheese dip. The more different cheese dips
you try, and the more attention you pay to each cheese
dip, the crazier you will become.

Retch

Now that you’ve Looked, Smelled and (unwisely) Tasted,
the only thing left to do is to heave to. Empty your
stomach in long, wallowing series of retches.
Technique? Believe me, this step is as involuntary as
it is necessary, so just do what comes naturally!


=====
-------------------------------
-Larry "Mr. Grooism" Steller, Mendicant Second Class

"There I was one night, just a normal guy; and then there I was the next
night... goddamn I was still just a normal guy!" -Bruce Springsteen

Mr. Grooism's Blog: http://mrgrooism.diaryland.com

NEWS FROM ME: http://www.newsfromme.com/
POVONLINE: http://www.povonline.com/ ;
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